It had begun
by 20BlueRoses
Summary: Remus lost everything in the first war and so tried to block it out. There are some memories, though, too powerful to drive away. A serious of snapshots detailing the pain and suffering of those in the middle of a war.


**This is completely different to anything I've written before, and is the work of one evening rather than several days. It's also very depressing. So please take that as a warning before you read and be aware that it may not be good and is definitely not fluffy. There are also mentions of RemusxSirius and violence.**

**If you would like to leave a review it would be much appreciated. Let me know how I've done.**

* * *

They sat side by side on their sofa that night, hands clutched and no words spoken. It had been the first time any of them killed and the fact it was James made it so much worse. He was a hero, a marauder, their best friend and it shouldn't have fallen on him.

But it had.

Because when a masked Death Eater points his wand at your loved one and opens their mouth there is no choice but to strike back. James knew that. And now they all did.

Lily was alive and Prongs was a murderer.

The war had well and truly begun.

* * *

Exactly two months before graduation they were disturbed by a frantic second year knocking over a pile of their revision in his eagerness to pass on a message from Dumbledore. They were wanted in his office.

And there they had heard the proposition.

There was a moments silence as they considered. The professor had been brutal in his description of the Order; it would be tough, it would be dangerous, there was no room for egos or petty arguments any more.

Lives were on the line.

And Sirius was the first to respond – he was in. And then they all were.

* * *

Benjy's death was created a turning point in the atmosphere that everyone felt but no-one mentioned. The only marauder that knew him well was Remus, who completed his year as a prefect while Benjy was Head Boy.

It was the first true realisation that they were part of a war.

And a reminder that life was short.

So later, when they were alone together with familiar questions hanging in the air, Remus decided it was time to answer and planted his lips on Sirius'. It had been something he'd been dreaming of since he was sixteen.

It tasted of life, hope and friendship.

And it tasted of relief, from the knowledge that Sirius felt the same.

* * *

They were nineteen and in love.

Love during wartime was dangerous and foolish. They knew this; their fear of losing each other was far superior to their fear of dying. And yet, love was the greatest thing they had. And so, not wanting their friend to miss the experience, they spent their rare days off helping Peter meet the girl of his dreams.

Their efforts proved futile.

So Remus and Sirius, James and Lily, Frank and Alice, Arthur and Molly continued to be dangerous and foolish.

And Peter did not.

* * *

When James turned up on their doorstep, pale and frantic, they feared the worst. He swept a hand through his hair and pulled them both into a messy hug.

Lily was pregnant. They were having a baby.

The marauders would have a crazy, beautiful, bespectacled, red headed little niece or nephew. And it was both the best and scariest news they'd had in a long time.

They toasted the news with firewhiskey rather than champagne because it held memories of illicit parties at Hogwarts. They drank until Lily flooed, and then they continued, just the two of them. That night they made love with vigour they never had before.

They couldn't be torn apart, that way.

* * *

Remus knew of muggle wars, of their machinery and missiles. But wizards only had one weapon and so when he saw Sirius' wand fly out of his hand he knew something bad was about to happen.

But Sirius had other ideas. He punched and smirked and punched some more and if it had been a fair battle – one on one- then he would have stood a chance.

But war was not fair.

Several large gashes cut across Sirius' chest and he stumbled. The second time the spell hit him he fell to his knees. By the third time he was already unconscious. The Death Eaters fled and Remus was finally able to run to his lover's side.

The healer's said there was little chance. Remus and James wept by his beside.

They were too young and in far too deep.

Sirius did not lose his life, just his wand and his restraint. He'd spent his whole life wounded and wanted revenge.

Now there were no limits.

* * *

Dumbledore asked James lead a mission because he was brave, caring and a brilliant leader then privately asked Remus to spy because he was a werewolf.

They both said yes.

Remus prayed that Prongs had been a success but he knew at least part of the wish was selfish. They couldn't both fail. And he was so close to backing out of his task.

But he wanted to make Sirius proud.

So he did what it took to make Greyback trust him and stood naked with five other werewolves in front of the rising full moon.

He was feral like them.

He woke aching in more places that the moon could cause but initiation was over. He was in.

* * *

They shouted and screamed and fucked on the bedroom floor.

Anger.

Secrets.

War was made of much more than just violence and that realisation hurt as much as their harsh words. They were not only losing the battle, but each other too.

Lily was full of advice that was useful and useless in equal measures. She never stopped trying, never gave up and sounded almost convincing when she told them everything would be okay.

No wonder Prongs loved her.

And it hurt too much to make Lily worry, so they made an unspoken agreement to pretend everything was okay. They were still in love and still in trust.

Then at home they shouted and screamed and slept in separate beds.

* * *

Remus returned home covered in scratches and bite marks to find the house empty and the place a mess. He was slow with his bath, hoping Sirius would return. And he washed up the muggle way, hoping Sirius would return.

And then he returned, with suspicion in his eyes and accusation in his voice. Remus couldn't tell him where he'd been and so Sirius refused to tell him.

"I miss you," Remus said, into the silence.

There was nothing, for a moment, and then Sirius put a hand on each side of Remus' head and gave him the most beautiful, passionate kiss. They hadn't done that in months now, only desperate limbs and violent clashing of mouths.

It lasted an eternity but not nearly long enough.

"Lily's had the baby," Sirius replied.

* * *

The four marauders sat with a Butterbeer and talked about young Harry. It was astonishing how like James he looked. Except for his eyes, of course.

He had Lily's eyes.

They pretended some more; pretended that Remus and Sirius were blissfully in love, that Peter had been around in the last few months and that James and his perfect family were safe. And it occurred to Remus that, for all their mistakes, the marauders had never lied to each other like this.

They'd never lied to themselves.

He went to the loo and returned to find the other three having a whispered conversation. As soon as he sat down Sirius jumped to his feet and headed to the bar.

Prongs gave him an apologetic half-smile in way of an explanation.

* * *

Each full moon was worse than the last now he had to spend it with a pack of Death Eater's rather than his animagus best friends.

And he hated his condition more than ever.

The werewolves took turns with him, each delighting in being able to dominate someone who had once been on the opposing side. Greybacks' turn was the worst though. He straddled Remus' hips and bit his chest before they had even transformed.

He felt dirty and used.

He wanted Sirius.

Worse still, there was little to reveal to Dumbledore aside from confirming the old professors suspicions that Voldemort was recruiting and their own battle was looking bleak.

The sacrifice was becoming too much.

* * *

He hadn't seen Sirius cry since the time he'd beaten so badly he was forced to run away from home, and yet Remus was woken by the noise of sobbing. He hovered by the bedroom door and wondered whether interrupting would make things better or worse.

When he rapped on the door Sirius told him to leave.

Remus stayed.

And then Sirius was in his arms and crying because Regulus was dead, James and Lily were in danger and their own relationship had crumbled beyond repair.

And Remus cried too.

Despite the tears and the trauma it almost felt good. They were together again, talking, touching. But Sirius had been right. They'd shattered into so many pieces it was impossible to put them back together.

"I hate this," Sirius said. "And I hate the order. Fuck this. Fuck you."

And Remus had left then, the sound of his own emotion drowning out Sirius' animal-like howl.

* * *

It was Peter who told him the news; James, Lily and Harry were going into hiding. Sirius was secret keeper.

Remus had nodded and pretended his heart wasn't breaking yet again, that his friend's hadn't trusted him enough to tell him the news. And he'd hugged Peter tight and thanked him for being there. He'd been so grateful he still had the trust of one marauder.

But that marauder should have been Sirius.

He'd taken the one opportunity he had to say goodbye to Lily and James. A final supper. They said it had been a hard decision, and if it wasn't for Harry they would have stayed and fought but they needed to keep him safe.

Remus wished he could go into hiding himself.

Some Gryffindor.

* * *

It was the night before the full moon and Dumbledore had visited him at home. He had said he need not spend it with the werewolves and Remus was relieved.

But then Dumbledore explained why.

James was dead.

Lily.

Peter.

Sirius was a traitor. A bastard. A Black.

And Remus wept until he could no longer stand and was retching on the floor. He wept when Dumbledore had gone and wept when he threw a photo of smiling marauders across the room. He cried for his friends, for Harry, for himself.

He cried because he hadn't done enough.

And the following night, when the full moon overtook, he locked himself in Sirius' bedroom and let the wolf take care of destroying all possessions. Then he packed a small suitcase and left without looking back.

The war may have ended but his battles had only just begun.

And he needed his friends.


End file.
